Of Coffee Cups and BowlCuts
by Simply.Forgettable
Summary: Who could ever refer to Lee as a 'lady killer? Formerly 'When Your In My Head'. Just a little on the cracky side.
1. Mornings Are The Devils Work

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, obviously.  
**Warning: **Shonen-ai, shoujo-ai/ BL, GL pairings will be in here, along with crack pairings and hetero ones as well. Also quite abit of cussing, possible violence and there's a high chance of sexual innuendos etc. I think that's it.

Oh, and if you read this, and like it, _review_ it please. I've got up to the fifth chapter written, but I'm not going to put more on unless I get _reviews. _  
**Constructive **critiscim is also highly appreciated.

_SimplyForgettable_

* * *

Ever wake up with that horrid feeling that you've just woken up in a new house, in a new part of the world, to go to your first day at a new school with a new legal guardian standing over you and breathing down your neck? No? Well, it must be just me then.

My life is seriously messed up.

Pushing myself up onto my elbows I'm greeted with the revelation that the sick feeling in my gut was right, again. Just like it's always right about my brothers wearing more make-up than me. But that's beside the point right now, because currently I was dealing with waking up to see a bushy browed, bowl-cut loving thing…. I can't say person and be entirely sure of it, as person implies that it's human, and honestly no human could ever have a bowl-cut on **purpose**. It just defies the laws of nature.

"Why, _hello_ Temari!" Shoot me, shoot me now. I can not deal with 'Happy-happy bowl-cut man!' this early in the morning. I am NOT a morning person.

Actually, I don't think morning people even **exist**.

"And how are you today on this beautiful morning?" Or maybe they do, and they take the form of people like this…. Now that's a thought that's truly chilling. "I don't think we got properly introduced last night before you collapsed. The name is Maito Gai!" His pose drew attention unnecessarily to his eyebrows and overly shiny teeth. "And you'll be seeing my lovely offspring Lee around here at some point. He's quite the lady-killer."

Its official, my new legal guardian is a serial killer. And quite possibly a paedophile. Please, God, if you're out there, I know I've never been a good person so please, please take this chance to strike me down….

"Now go have a shower and get dressed for school, I'm making pancakes for breakfast!" He….he…. he pinched my cheek and tousled my hair!! It's official; if there's a God he so hates me. What did I ever do to deserve this?

Following a humming crazy who's apparently a morning person out the door, I see into the bathroom that's right across from my room. The weird cream and green theme that I can see of it so far doesn't agree with my stomach, but otherwise, I have seen heaven and it is called 'free bathroom'. I'd have a glee-gasm on the spot about apparently not having to share a bathroom with my brothers, but the one called Gai is watching me.

And that bitch Kankuro just stole my bathroom. That boy's dead to me.

* * *

Breakfast is the enemy. I swear it to you.

I finally got into the bathroom to have a 15 minute shower, oh yes; I shower quickly, and now am being stared at by Gai for wearing man pants. Apparently it is a cardinal sin to wear man pants when 

you are quite obviously female. Apart from his critiquing my choice to be pretty much anti-fashion (and this coming from a man who wears green and orange AT THE SAME TIME is pretty rich), he makes some damn good pancakes. Not that I'll ever admit that.

I'll be dead and buried long before I compliment someone with a bowl-cut for anything. Even pancake making skills. And I am **very** picky when it comes to pancakes.

Okay, I lie; I'm the human equivalent to a garbage disposal unit. As is Kankuro, it's Gaara who's the picky eater in the family. Silly little psycho emo kid.

"So, _Temari_, how do you like the pancakes?" Is Gai trying to engage me in friendly breakfast chatter? In that case, how about I shove more pancake in my mouth. Can't talk with your mouth full, now can you? "Ah, you like them I see!"

Gai scares me, he really does. The whole intense, Happy-happy bowl-cut-man thing is extremely scary. Particularly when he's focussing it directly on you at breakfast when you're really not a morning person and would kill a man for coffee. Deadly, 100 degree coffee. Damn, I really want some coffee!

"You're not a rather talkative child are you Temari!" He….he….he poked me in the cheek! I swear to high hell if his finger comes anywhere near my mouth again I'll bite it off. I mean it, I will! Luckily, I don't have to respond as Kankuro has taken this moment as an opportunity to choke on pancakes, what a thoughtful brother I have….

"Not talkative?! Temari?!" I don't like his tone of choking. Oh Kankuro, hurry up and die. "That's a good one Gai!" Looks like the pancakes not on my side this time. Curses.

"How about I shove my foot down your throat puppet-fucker?" Gai stares at me wide eyed and Kankuro just bursts out laughing. Apparently, he knew this would happen. Wait, what am I saying 'apparently' for? Of course he'd know I'd say something like that! I'm awake at 7 in the morning without coffee, it's a miracle I haven't attempted to stab anyone to death with a teaspoon by now.

"I'd like to see you try little Tema-tema." Oh that is it, dead time now for Kankuro. For some reason, his cackling just increases in volume when I raise the teaspoon threateningly. "You might be a man, but you don't have the balls to use that teaspoon on me."

"Now, now, is this really the way to behave at the breakfast table?!" Now Gai's disturbed. I think we deserve some kind of prize for this. Like DEADLY 100 DEGREE COFFEE. Oh hell yes, that would be really good right now. Especially because I can at least 'accidentally' spill some on Kankuro…. "I think you should put your flames of youth on a lower setting."

Did he just say 'flames of youth'?

"Did you just say 'flames of youth'?" Wow, Kankuro does what I think. Is this some kind of weird mind-control? Or just coincidence? "I think I need to OD on caffeine now."It's obviously mind-control. Creepy.

"Are you sure caffeine is a good idea for either of -?"

"It's a good idea!" Did Kankuro and I say that at the same time? Super creepy. Cue twitching here.

"Temari." Kankuro turned to me, eyes wider than eyes should be. "We are not twins. This is not right."

"Indeed. And I wouldn't want to have you as a twin, you purple eye-shadow wearing fairy-boy." He nodded and clapped me on the shoulder.

"Fair enough Tema-chan, you have won this round. I shall make the deadly coffee of your victory now."

"Damn straight bitch."

Gai just looked back and forth between us as if we were some kind of deranged tennis match. I'm fairly sure we weren't, but that's the look he was giving us. I kind of feel sorry for him, me in the morning plus Kankuro as he always is….well, I guess it's a little too much to handle. Even for a crazy morning person with a bowl-cut. Wonder when he's going to work up the nerve to speak…

"But I thought you two were twins?" Sometimes silence is best. Gai hasn't worked that one out yet I see.


	2. Violent Tendencies

"What do you think of Gai?" It's an odd question that Kankuro springs on me now, so I may as well give him the truth.

"I think I've met saner clowns on meth."

And then there was silence. I study Kankuro slightly as we're walking, and I suddenly realise, my brother has to be gay. I mean, it's obvious; he wears kitty ears and purple eye shadow. Either he's comfortable with his sexuality in the **extreme**, or he's not so secretly batting for a different team. I wonder if I should confront him on this issue, wait, why am I wondering if I should?

"Kankuro, are you gay?" I do believe the look he gave me can be directly interpreted as 'go fall down a mineshaft Temari, now, do it!'

"You're not a very pleasant person are you Tema-chan?"

"Whoever said I had to be a – oh. Fuck. Me. Sideways." We'd reached the school. And it was big. And I don't just mean average big, 'like oh look, that's quite a big building they have there', I mean the massive, I'm-going-to-get-lost-in-there-within-three-seconds BIG.

"I'm sorry Temari, but incest is – oh." It appears Kankuro has also spotted the behemoth that is our school. "I'm going back now, ok Temari?"

"What?! You can't abandon me like this Kankuro, oh no, you are going right in there with me and you're going to act like you enjoy it!" I don't know why I feel the need to drag Kankuro in with me, but the fact I have at least one brother with me when facing this monolithic thing of a school makes me feel slightly better. Somehow. Well, it just makes me feel less alone in my suffering really. I'm such a bitch sometimes. "And don't you raise your eyebrow at me young man."

"Temari, you realise we can pull a Gaara? Gai will let us."

"I don't care if Gai will let us. Gaara is insane if you hadn't noticed by now, and I don't want to have the feeling that I'm at his level hanging over me for the rest of my life." Really, I don't. To feel that way would be a fate worse than death, I really would prefer to stay away from being pegged as the same as any of my brothers. Considering ones a psycho emo kid and the others a possibly gay pervert. Actually, now that I think of it Kankuro must be bi-sexual or something, one can't fake being **that** perverted over almost all of those of the female variety.

"I think I might just hate you Tema-chan."

"You're no cat Kankuro, you are a chicken. A lily-livered chicken."

"Going old-school I see Temari, still, fuck you grasshopper."

"Kankuro, if you use that line one more time I swear to god I will eat your heart."

"Can I appease you with coffee?"

"You know me too well."

"How sinister can you get, sister of mine?"

"Silence you, or I'll take you to a place where no one can hear you screaming."

"Sounds like rape."

"Sounds like you're an idiot."

"I'm buying you sugary things as well I see."

"Damn straight you are."

* * *

What is it about wearing man pants that attracts stares and comments like:  
"So I see that you're a macho-macho man." Really, what is it? I would like to know... Actually, I think I can figure it out for myself.

Practically all of the little girly children are dressed like tramps.

Honestly. That is not a skirt child, it is a belt. A BELT. We use it to hold up PANTS. Please go and put some on, as I do not wish to be assaulted with a clear view of your Barbie knickers. Actually, I wouldn't really mind that, except it's in public and of what I've encountered so far of children like this – they don't have the best personalities. Like asking me if I were a bumblebee, just because my wondrous top is yellow and black striped. Maybe they asked that because it leaves something to the **imagination**. Actually, it leaves a lot to the imagination. If you didn't count the fact it makes my boobs look like some kind of floatation device.

Hey, at least I won't have to worry about drowning any time soon with these babies.

At least Art can save my soul. Well, I sure as hell hope it can save it. Because if I don't get away from the stares pretty soon someone's going to end up looking like they've just gone through a combine harvester. Why yes, I do have violent tendencies. It's not my fault; I blame it entirely on society.

"Pssst, Bumblebee!" Okay, seriously, this HAS to stop! I'll impale this little slut and make her an example – well, she's certainly not like the other little children with the Barbie knickers. Actually, she looks a lot more... manly, dare I say it. A fellow man pants wearer, at least. Still, she called me bumblebee! I shan't accept her with open arms... wait, when have I ever accepted anyone with open arms? I have much to ponder now. "Do you speak?" Her small cocky smile grew into a slight smirk.

Oh, so she's a **smirking** man pants wearer. The difference isn't quite obvious to the outside observer, but to the secret sect of man pants wearers... Okay, I think this school is getting to me. Already. Or maybe it's the overdose of caffeine I had this morning. Or maybe it's both. Or maybe, just _maybe_ I'm losing my mind. I should hope that I'm not.

"Anyway, my name's Tenten." She held out her hand and I took it, only to be sucked into one of those I-will-crush-your-hand-first type handshakes that are really a secret way of finding out the strength of someone else. Everyone's been caught up in one at some point in their life; I just tend to end up in them more than your average Joe. And I always win, **always**. Yes, I am just a little bit on the more competitive side. Big whoop.

"I used to be the only 'shemale' around here. It's nice to finally have company."

"'Shemale?'" This Tenten, with her little Chinese buns and her fluoro pink tank top and man pants that were at least three times manlier than mine, just laughed at my raised eyebrow and petted me on the cheek as if I were some idiotic small child. Honestly, what is with the people around here treating me like this? Do I **look** like a touchy-feely person? Do I?! "Did I miss something?"

"You'll find out soon enough. Anyway, what's your name stranger?" So she's seen her fair share of Westerns as well, maybe she's worth her salt. Maybe, just maybe she could be a... friend. Oh yes, cue the 'dun dun dun'.

"It's Temari, and you'd best be careful the way you speak partner." Judging by the sudden spark that jumped into her murky brown eyes, I'd say friendship is a distinct possibility. If it weren't before, considering when man pant wearers are a breed apart and need to stick together... Okay, it's this school that's getting to me. It's all because I've barely seen a girl wearing baggy pants around. But that might be because shortly after the fifth accidental flashing by a girl wearing a belt-'skirt' I attempted to gouge my eyes out. But that's irrelevant.

What's relevant now is getting a seat in Art and...

"Tema-chan, this is where I usually sit. You're welcome to join me for a chinwag."

"Did you just say 'chinwag'?"

"Mhmm." She patted the seat next to her.

"That's so old-school." I sat down on the strangely comfortably firm stool next to her.

"That deserves something sugary. Or caffeine riddled... Or both...Like deadly 100 degree  
coffee and doughnuts...mmm...doughnuts..."

"Temari, hey Tema-chan! No day-dreams about doughnuts and coffee during art." She laughed at me, and I had the weird feeling that we were acting like we'd known each other for a rather long time. It's what man pants do to people, they bring them together – they make you bond. Well, at least they do when you're the only people with the guts to wear man pants in a sea of belt wearers.

"You take your art seriously don't you Tenten?"

"So seriously it probably means I'm already developing stomach ulcers." She nodded wisely, then promptly rolled her eyes and cackled. "Na, the one who's like that is her." She pointed in a general diagonal direction, at what I assumed was the pink haired girl currently laughing with a suspiciously familiar looking sandy haired boy. I'm fairly sure it's a good assumption because sandy haired boys don't usually get referred to as 'her'.

"She looks fairly easy – oh. My. God. That's Kankuro! That bitchface!" And before Tenten could even say 'Get off the crack Temari', I was striding across the room fully prepared to go all Spanish Inquisition on that boy's ass.

Apparently though, Kankuro is psychic. Or just possesses more intelligence than I give him credit for. Because just before I reached him to interrogate him to within an inch of his purple eye shadow wearing life, he turned to greet me with a dazzling smile and a:  
"Why hello Temari, meet my new friend Sakura."

Well, that caused a practically visible downpour on my parade.

"Oh. Hi Sakura." I only bother with being polite because I can see she's wearing pants. Even if they are tight black jeans that, for some reason, bring the lyrics of: _'you'd better shape up, because I need a man, and my heart is set on you...' _to mind. "Kankuro, I thought you said you'd sworn off art for life?"

"Oh, Sakura-chan helped me see that I should give art a second chance." Oh, so this is how it is, he can sell me up the river when I try and get him to do art with me so I won't be alone – but as soon as a 'pretty little piece of ass', as he'd put it, comes along he's all for art. Art ahoy, in fact! That's it; I'm putting rat poison in his coffee. "She's also agreed to help me so that I can get better and really, _achieve my potential_ in class this time."

I want to rip that leer right off his smug little face... I mean, I'm really happy my brother is making friends... Please, God, if you're out there, smite him. Smite him real good.

"Oh, Temari." Hmm, I don't trust this Sakura child; her eyes are too close together. That and I just don't like her I'm-such-a-nice-person-worship-me smile that she's wearing right now. All my instincts tell me to kill, but that might just be that female rivalry thing I've heard about. "You're welcome to join us if you want – I could help you out with your art as well."

Well, that wasn't just a little conceited or anything. _No_.

"Oh thanks for the offer Sakura, but I'd sooner shave my head and join a communist movement than become a mindless clone." That should give the little arrogant airhead something to chew over. Though my cheeks hurt already from mimicking her own empty little smile.

"What a shame, I was sure you'd look a lot prettier without a brain." Wait, she can 

**think**? Good God, how does a thinking girl end up like that? Oh wait, that's right, I forget about the male influence. She's obviously one of those types who deliberately play the fool in order to gain male attention. Generally those types only attract drooling idiots like my brother who feed off of accidental flashing of Barbie knickers. I bet he's in heaven right now.

"And I'm sure you'd be a lot prettier with a spine, or lacking that, a personality."

"You're a real bitch, aren't you Tema-kun?" Oh, what a subtle dig. Bravo, bravo Sakura. Cue the sarcastic slow clap.

"You only just realised? Well, I guess it's hard to figure these things out when you're busy being a syphilitic whore."

And with that, she stupidly attacked me. Apparently she can't think enough to realise that she's about two thirds of my size and even if I weren't particularly strong from years of beating sense into brothers she wouldn't have a snowballs chance in hell of beating me. Even in a fair fight. Unfortunately, before I could do any more lasting damage than possibly break her nose, the teacher walked in.

Why is it that teachers have such _perfect_ timing?

* * *

"I'm disappointed in you Temari, how could you use such a strong flame of youth to hurt another?" Gai's a PE teacher, who knew? "You should know better at your age than to sink to someone else's level."

Sitting in an empty Gym, being told off by your legal guardian of whom you've barely known 24 hours is really, really weird. Words cannot describe how weird something like this is. Particularly considering I should've been back 'home' about an hour ago. But I'm serving my detention from art with Gai. Apparently, I'm not actually doing anything more for this particular detention than sitting listening to Gai. As I have been doing for the past hour. Without caffeine **or** sugar.

It's worse than Chinese water torture. I can _feel_ myself de-toxing.

"If I say I'm sorry and that I'll never do it again because doing things like that makes me a horrible, horrible person can I leave and get something to eat?" I sound pitiful; it makes me want to beat myself up. Honestly, I want to punch myself in the gut and be all "Stop being such a whiner, foo'!" Because secretly, I'm a much more violent Mr T.

"Oh that's right I've kept you here an hour without food, you must be starving you poor thing!" What's with his sparkly eyes? Why is he like this? Is he on drugs? If so, are they legal ones – and can I have some? Because if he's on something, whatever it is, it has to be some serious shit. "You can run on home, I think Lee will have cooked up something delicious by now. He's quite the talented little chef."

That reminds me, I have yet to meet this mysterious Lee character. I wonder what he's like... probably has a bowl cut and bushy eyebrows, if Gai's anything to go by. Actually, 

I'm fairly sure if you lived with Gai for an extended amount of time you'd end up looking like him... And taking on his mannerisms... Oh God, I'm going to turn into a female version of Gai!

Hey, how'd I get so far without noticing? I'm almost back at the place that I must now call 'home'. Lamenting about turning into a female version of Gai must be a really good distraction. That or 'home' isn't that far from the school. I think it's the latter one - it seems more plausible.

"Temari! You're alive!" Scary, why is Kankuro rushing out to meet me? "So how was detention with that snake obsessed art teacher?" Oh, that's right he thinks I had detention with the art teacher like Sakura did. He doesn't know about the cunning plan to split us up for detention in order to avoid another fight... and Sakura's imminent death.

"You mean, 'is Sakura-chan alright?'" The falsetto I put on to mock him hurts my soul just the tiniest bit – but it's worth it, considering just the notes I hit with it annoy him to the point that his eye twitches. "Well, you're out of luck buddy; I didn't have detention with her. For all I know he's raping her in the supply room."

"That's not funny Temari."

"The truth often isn't funny, Kanky darling." I can't help but cackle at his not so inward fuming. We have the weirdest relationship, Kankuro and I.

Sweeping on inside, I was immediately hit with the delicious aroma of cooking pizza. Meat-lovers pizza, I do believe. I think I may just have died and gone to heaven. Practically floating as my nose veritably drags me to the kitchen, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a figure in green and two strong arms closing around me and squeezing me to the point of no return.

"Temari-san! It's so good to finally meet you, I can tell your flame of youth burns brightly!" So this is Lee. He really is a mini-Gai, what with his bowl-cut and... Oh, no, he isn't. Please tell me he **isn't** wearing green and orange together. Green track pants with an orange shirt and a green jacket over top... Please, please tell me this is all just a bad acid trip and not reality. "Temari-san, are you ok?"

Oh God. It _is_ reality.

* * *

**A/N: **Ok, so, I have no resolve and am putting this up after getting _one_ review. I'd promised myself I'd try and hold out for maybe another one... But as I said before, I have no resolve. I think someone should slap me. With a fish. Salmon, in fact.  
But not smoked salmon - I don't deserve the smoky goodness.

.

_SimplyForgettable_


	3. The End of the World

"Gai, I made PIZZA!"

"Ah, pizza, the most youthful food of all."

Somehow, I get the feeling I'm not living in a house so much as an insane asylum. An insane asylum where they've run out of medication and the employees have all abandoned ship. An insane asylum where all the crazies are male. Honest to God, I'm surrounded by crazy male-type-people. There's something to be said about not owning a Y chromosome.

Oh no, I just said something scientific. It's the apocalypse.

"Temari-san, you're being awfully quiet."

"Ahwah!" Getting a sudden face full of concerned Lee would cause anyone to go into shock and fall off a stool backwards. Even me.

"Temari-san!" At least he rushes to your aid when he causes such things, not like my brothers who just sit there cackling. Well, Kankuro cackles – Gaara just sits there staring and inwardly cackling. I'm sure he's inwardly cackling, he's sadistic like that. "Temari-san, I'm terribly sorry – I never meant to startle you like that."

"Ugh, never mind Lee." Quick, someone get me out of this madhouse, Gaara's staring at me in a way that screams 'I will eat your soul'. "Kankuro you bitch, go make me some damn coffee."

"Whaaaat?! WHY?!" Kankuro looks at me as if I've just told him to go have a tea party with Gaara.

"Because you owe me coffee and sugary things, remember?"

"Oh. Yeah. Well…. That's void now because you attacked Sakura!" I'm going to pimp slap him back to Autocratic Russia soon. Honestly, how does punching her in the nose make it void?

"Temari-san, you attacked Sakura-san?!" Well, I wasn't expecting that. Judging by Lee's outraged look I can probably safely assume he's another fan of the little miss syphilis.

"Yeah, probably broke her nose."

"Oh no, poor Sakura-san." Great, it looks like Kankuro and Lee are bonding over a common lust for her. Brilliant. Excuse me while I snap.

"Poor 'Sakura-san'?! The little whore attacked me first you – Kankuro, go put your head in a blender." He'd been shaking his head at Lee in denial, honestly, how can males be such idiots of such a slut of a girl?! Fairly soon I'm going to stab someone in the face with a white-hot spoon.

"Anyway, what's so great about little miss syphilis? She's a conformist, wilfully AIRHEADED little slut who wears pants three sizes too small – presumably to cut off the air supply to her brain so she doesn't have to act as much! No, Kankuro, don't interrupt me – can't you see I'm having a rant here! Honestly! Are you too busy mentally jacking off over that little pink haired harlot to notice these things! Because they're pretty fucking obvious you ass! ARGHHHH! If I die early of stress I fully blame you for being a horny little –"My rant was cut off suddenly by a hand being clamped over my mouth.

"Now, now Tema-chan, calm yourself. Your flame of youth will surely be darkened if you don't." I'm tempted to bite Gai right now… "You need to resolve these issues with Sakura-chan. Now, if I let go of your mouth do you promise not to carry on from where you left off?"

"How is she going to be able to promise you anything with your hand over her mouth?" Gaara makes sense, a lot of sense. It's just a pity he has to say everything in a tone that suggests he's going to rip your head off in the next few seconds. It's truly chilling when he's directing it at you. "Temari, since when do you rant about people instead of doing something about them anyway?"

You know what, Gaara speaks the truth. Why am I not just disembowelling that Sakura?

"Gaara, don't provoke her into doing something stupid!" Normally Kankuro's little hissed warning to Gaara'd piss me off – but currently the mental images are amusing me too much. Oh the joys of over-active imaginations!

"Temari-san, are you alive in there?"

"Lee, interrupt my thoughts again and I'll eat your heart." Well, that was more vicious than originally intended… Oh my, tears are gathering in his eyes – did I hurt his feelings? Well, um, ugh…. I don't know what to do in these situations! Maybe I'll just ignore it as he's infatuated with the syphilitic one after all….

"Temari-san I was just –"He shakes his head and glances away, oh God, he's crying! Jesus on steroids, this isn't good! Um, um, um brain be nice to me for once and tell me what to do!

"Lee…" Crap, I sound concerned. Since when am I concerned about hurting anyone's feelings? Right, I know what to do. "Look, don't be so emotional about it. I snap at people all the fucking time – right Kankuro?"

This is the way I have to be, so why do I feel bad all of a sudden?

* * *

"Tema-chan, wake-up Tema-chan Orochimaru-sensei is speaking." I rolled my eyes at her, I'd been trying to get some sleep considering we had Art first and as much fun as sketching snake-themed things with charcoal is, I'd rather try and catch up on my sleep while I can. "Tema, you want to listen to this, trust me. It's crucial to passing the year."

"Miss Tenten, will you stop chatting away while I address the class?" Tenten just gulps and nods her head, I raise an eyebrow at her – this is rather out of character. Well, it is from what I've gathered of her. "Now, as I was saying, this project is to be done with a partner – you're to create the two sides of the same situation, equal but opposite, both sides of the spectrum. Your situation will be assigned to each set of partners – each situation will be different for every pairing." He paused to lick his lips and grin evilly at the class. "And I will be deciding who works with whom."

Oh crap, oh CRAP. What if I get stuck with some complete ass? What if I get stuck with Kankuro?!

"The pairings will be done with people's skills and abilities in mind. Which, if we take Mister Kankuro here – the worst student in the class, for example he would be paired with either one of the best students, which happen to be Miss Sakura and Miss Temari. Now, as he gets on so well with Miss Sakura, it'd only make sense to pair him with her. And so I'll be pairing him with…" His smile was truly malicious now. "Miss Tenten over there, because otherwise his 'art' would look like pig shit next to either of Miss Temari or Miss Sakura's. And because they surpass all the rest of you little no talent idiots they'll be working together."

I've seen the one who'll be the end the universe, as we know it, and his name is Orochimaru.

"Tenten!" A green blur and all of a sudden Tenten is on the ground being hugged half to death by none other than Lee. It's a small world after all. I'll just go twitch about something completely different now... "It's so good to see you after – hey, you're friends with Temari-san too?!"

Yeah, if you want me I'll be over there – slitting my wrists in the emo corner. Don't try it at home kiddies.

"Temari-san? Oh look, it's the bumblebee girl from yesterday!" Okay, screw suicide. People make me freaking homicidal. Where's my gun?

"Hey yeah it is!" Great, male-type-things call me bumblebee as well. Not just a macho-macho man. Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Temari-san, why are you shaking?" Because I'm suppressing the urge to kill everything that moves.

"She's suppressing the urge to kill everything that moves, that's why Lee-kun." That's scary, that's really scary. _Tenten is inside my head._

"But why would Temari-san want to do that?" Wow, he really is all innocence and youth…. and oh my god, the process has already started! No, for the love of all that is good please don't make me turn into Gai! "Did Temari-san just whimper?"

All of a sudden I'm trapped against Lee's body and he's squeezing me with a python-like strength. Oh God, I'm going to die. And not even in a decent way, I'm going to be squeezed to death by an overly concerned crazy with a bowl-cut. It's enough to make a Viking cry.

"Aww isn't that cute – Lee's got a _girlfriend_." Rage, lend me your strength!

"Temari-san! Don't kill Kiba!" Why am I never allowed to kill anyone? "Please?" God, why does he have to look at me with such big, hurt eyes? It's like trying to say 'fuck you, I'll kill whomever I like' to Bambi. "_Please?_"

"Fine then, I won't kill any of your little friends Lee. But don't expect me to hang around here." Just as I'm turning to go, he catches me by the arm. Honestly, people around here like touching me a little too much.

"Temari-san, don't be like that. They're good people."

"Yeah Tema-chan, Kiba's a jackass but Naruto and Ino there are so awesome they have their own gravitational pull." Tenten winks at the two blondes standing with their arms linked that look like twins. The boy grins like an idiot and the girl sticks out her tongue playfully at Tenten. Maybe Tenten and Lee are right about them, considering the girl's wearing pants… not man pants, but at least they're not slut pants nor are they a belt.

Maybe I can stand being around their friends…

"So, Ino, when are the others turning up?" There's more…? Oh God, don't tell me I'm going to have to hang around a large quantity of people! There'll be genocide on their hands if 'the others' are more than a couple of people….

"Oh, Shikamaru and Chouji are in trouble again with the science teacher so they won't be around 'till like the end of lunch." The blonde girl grins and flips her long ponytail over her shoulder. "But don't worry Temari-chan; they're a drag anyway so it's better not meeting Shika and his manwife for a while yet."

* * *

"Hey Bee-chan!" I'll kill that Ino! Calling me 'Bee-chan'…

"Whaaa-at Goldilocks?" Ok, I lie, I like Ino. She's awesome in the best possible way – she's as crazy as me. Except for the whole boy crazy thing, that's got to go. "If it's another, 'can I make your hair pretty' thing I'll beat you. With a marshmallow!" Oh yeah, I'm threatening her with marshmallows. I bet she's real scared now.

"Are you two secretly in a lesbian relationship?" Naruto looks excited, just because me and Ino are lying so that my head is lying on her stomach doesn't mean that we're in that kind of relationship. Ino's too in love with someone named Sasuke for that.

Lying on the side of a hill, on a sunny day, partially shaded by a tree eating marshmallows that Naruto and Lee provided…. Well, I think I've died and gone to Heaven. I was wrong about their friends; they're awesome after all. Even if I did catch Kiba staring at my ass…. Twice.

"No such luck Naru-kun, I wove you too much to be with Bee-chan in that way."

"Ino, I'm sorry but –"

"Naruto! I was kidding you idiot!"

"I'm not an idiot!"

"Prove it!"

"Uh, um…"

"Anyway, Bee-chan, what I was wondering was what you had after this?" Hmm… what did I have after this? What was the last class I had for the day…?

"I think it's English."

"With?"

"Someone named Kakashi…?"

"Yay! You're in my English class!" The last class of today and I get to spend it with my new buddy Ino? I so have died and gone to Heaven. "Now I'll have someone to put distance between me and Kiba!"

"I hate you."

"I love you too Bee-chan." I feel eyes on me and I turn my head to see Kiba grinning away like the pervert he is at me. I can feel my face shifting from what can be assumed was dreamy content to a hideous scowl.

"What're you looking at dog boy?" He just grins more and winks at me. He **winks** at me!

"My future wife." He answers so simply, as if it's a fact of nature and I should've known this already. I want to stab him with the nearest blunt object… Which happens to be a marshmallow, oh how utterly wondrous.

"I'm sorry, but I could never marry you." I'll rip the cocky smile off your face boy.

"Why?" He raises an eyebrow at me, and I'm either smiling sweetly at him or I look like a homicidal maniac. Either or.

"Because bestiality is both wrong **and** illegal."

* * *

**A/N:** Right, so, thanks to those who've read so far. But if you read can you review so I _know_ wether you like it or not.  
But thanks to Koritoko for the reviews. And the **resolve**.  
XD

_Simply.Forgettable_


	4. We Love Gai

Chapter 4: We Love Gai

Our eyes meet across the kitchen table, and instantly we're locked in a silent battle of wits. Who'll break first and speak? Who? WHO?!

"Look, Temari, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but we have to work together on this project." I raise one eyebrow at Sakura, where's she going with this? And why did she insist we go to 'my place' to start work on the stupid project? And why straight after being assigned the crappiest situation ever, 'unrequited love' what the hell?

What if some of us don't even believe in love?! Oh well, I guess it isn't as bad as Tenten and Kankuro's situation of 'surrounded by snakes'. That Orochimaru-sensei is _obsessed_.

"This is why I'll take the harder part of the situation and portray what could happen if unrequited love took a turn for the worst and turned into something along the lines of a stalker." She looks like she expects me to jump up and clasp her hands and call her a genius, a wonderful, self-sacrificing _genius_. Yeah, of course I'm going to do that. Yeah, and I'm also going to mouth rape Orochimaru-sensei for pairing me with her.

Someone, please, give me a gun.

"Why a stalker?" She raises an eyebrow at me and gives me a small smirk.

"Because I can base it on experience."

"So who're you stalking?"

"Temari." Her voice takes on a warning note and I shoot her a sweet smile.

"Kidding, kidding." This forced friendship is odd, very odd. Almost as odd as Gai, but not quite. "So, anyway, are you sure you want to take this in _that_ direction?"

"Yes, well, Orochimaru-sensei did say opposite ends of the spectrum. And that really is the opposite end to the usual fluff-filled; 'if only he loved me' stuff that any boob can draw." Must resist urge to stab her in the face…

"Is that so?"

"Mhmm." She nods her head and looks down at the notebook placed in front of me. "Oh, by the way, Orochimaru-sensei asked me to tell you that he wants to see you after school tomorrow." I couldn't help but twitch, why did the snake obsessed sensei want to see me after school? What did I do wrong this time?!

"Why?" I raise an eyebrow at her and she just smiles one of those empty, fake smiles that just make you feel kind of nervous in these sorts of situations.

"I don't know, I'm just passing on the message –"The kitchen door suddenly banged open interrupting her mid-sentence.

"Oh hi Sakura….. SAKURA?!" I whacked the palm of my hand into my forehead at the sound of Kankuro being a blundering idiot again. Sometimes I question my relation to my brothers. The worst part is I'm going to have to dirty my hands by killing him now in order to prevent more idiocy on his part. All because stupid Sakura has to be here because stupid Orochimaru-sensei had to stupidly pair us up. Sometimes I curse my only talent.

"You, boy, come now." I grab him by the ear and drag him to the next room. All the while he's protesting and most likely ogling Sakura through the pain inflicted on him by the grip I have on his ear. It's got to be painful; I'm practically ripping the flimsy thing off in order to get him the hell out of here.

"Ow – what the hell Temari?!"

"Your drooling is interrupting our project plotting time!"

"I'm not drooling." Good one Kankuro, say that just as you wipe your mouth just in case. Cue the sarcastic slow clap. "And anyway, it's polite to say hello."

"Yeah, well, you've said hello now go jack-off about it somewhere private." He raises an eyebrow at me and I'm fairly sure I'm glaring daggers back at him. "I mean it Kankuro, you come back in there and I'll personally make sure you never reproduce." He winces and I know I've finally hit the right note within his thick skull. "I'm going back in there now, so don't be a fool."

"But Tema-chaaaaan…."

"Don't 'Tema-chaaaaan' me boy. I mean what I say."

"You just want her all to yourself." A wicked spark comes into his eyes. "That's why you act like you hate her so much, your secretly in love with –"

"Kankuro, I swear to God and the three horsemen of the apocalypse that if you finish that sentence I will gouge your eyes out. And not just that, if you survive the gouging…" I took the time to give him a sinister little smile, "I'll feed them to you."

"Tem –"His voice cut out and he cleared his throat before trying again. "Temari, can't you just let me hang out with my friend?"

"Kankuro, right now she's not your 'friend' she's my partner for the stupid fucking art project that we need to do well on." I patted his cheek as if he were nothing more than a rather slow, small child. "And if you want your 'friend' to stay unharmed the way she is now, you'll let her focus on the project. Because if she brings this ship down…."

"Ok, ok Temari. I get the picture. Can I come in later?"

"Possibly, now I have to go back." And with that I was striding through the kitchen door again only to be greeted by an overly cheerful –

"Why Temari-san, you didn't tell me Sakura-san was coming over tonight!" I twitch twice as hard at Sakura's 'sweet' little giggle.

"Oh Lee-san, you make it sound as if I were a princess or something." Driving white hot metal through the flesh of her face…. Oh how I long to do such a thing. But no, not now, not while I have to feign tolerance for her irritating conformist self.

"Well, Sakura-san certainly is –"

"Lee. Leave. NOW." I'm fairly sure the snarling wasn't necessary, but oh well. If it gets the point across….

"But Temari-san –"

"No. Buts." Twitch, twitch, twitch – it seems I'm always twitching these days, for one reason or another. "Just evacuate the premises immediately."

"Oh, Tema-chan…" Oh God, why does she have to use such an annoying tone to say my name around males? "Let Lee-san stay, he's not being a nuisance or anything…"

"Oh but Saku-chan, his very presence brings my blood to a boil." I see Lee's face fall out of the corner of my eye and for some reason I feel like I've failed. What the hell? Stupid emotions going all hay-wire on me – stupid Lee for being all emotional and touchy about everything, it's impossible for me to **not** hurt his feelings. Honestly.

"That's not very nice Tema-chan."

"Well, obviously I'm not a very nice person Saku-chan." I'm spitting the words out in a pleasantly poisonous way; I just want to get the _hell_ out of here now.

"Why _hello_ again Sakura." I can practically the cocky leer in Kankuros voice as he walks back into this mess again. I could kill a man right now; I could kill a man _twice_.

"Hiii Kanky-kun." Oh God, I'm trapped in the middle of the courtship ritual of those who aren't meant to breed. "It's such a pity you had to leave before…"

"Someone kill me, please…" I mutter to myself, but it seems as if Lee hears because he looks over at me with a furious concentration – his thick eyebrows furrowed as if there's something wrong.

"Temari-san –"

"I HAVE GREASY, YOUTH FILLED TAKEAWAYS!!" I grin up at Gai as he causes Lee and Kankuro to scurry off in fear. Bless him, bless his crazy little soul. He's given me a chance to take another dig at Sakura before giving into the power of greasy, youth filled takeaways.

"And you pretend to be stupid for **them**?" Sakuras eyes flash at me with a rage known only to convicts and the criminally insane. And she can do absolutely nothing about it.

This is why I love Gai.


End file.
